You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
