I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
