It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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