I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
