fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Randomize