Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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