the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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