Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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