that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
