I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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