i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
