Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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