the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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