My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
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