I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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