the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
