Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
