I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
where does the pee come out of this thing
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
