this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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