I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize