I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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