you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
