It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
so let's talk penis.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
