I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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