Eww. Jon Gosselin got both his ears pierced.
He looks like a bad one night stand.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize
