I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
