Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Tornado booty call.. dedication
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
