matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
