What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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