Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
