So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
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