careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I wish life had little blips of pornography
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize