I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
