I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
That accounts for only three of the penises
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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