i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
