Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Randomize
