I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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