Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize