some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
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