there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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