I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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