If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
Randomize
