i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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