i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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