We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize