Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
