just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize