I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He had one of those small greek statue penises
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Randomize
