some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize