Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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