I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize