i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
