I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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