i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
