Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Randomize
