i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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