Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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