omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
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